Right now I feel confused. I’ve been feeling lost for a while now in this journey of being a writer, and a perfectly delightful conversation I just had left everything another shade darker. Not only am I fumbling around – tripping and groping and trying to find a path, because apparently I’ve hit a dead end – the sun is going down. Great. Now what? Have I been wasting my time? It felt so clear for the longest time, but for the past six months I’ve been at a stand still. The brush around me is growing thicker. It’s to the point where I don’t even know if I could back track if I wanted to.
I’m starting to feel as if I’m on the wrong mountain. I never had a God-moment where I felt like I was called to be a writer. I didn’t go to school for this. I just gave it a shot, loved it, and have been climbing ever since. I see a lot of other people on this same mountain – and more are being added every day. Some of them have been here for decades and have a large following. Others are just getting started and figuring out how to put on their hiking boots. Me? Oh I’m up here, somewhere….lost, apparently.
I wasn’t always lost. That just recently happened. When I first began, it was just fun! A beautiful adventure with limitless possibilities. My heart was pure and my eyes wide open. I even got to the summit of a few peaks in becoming a contributor to a radio blog and becoming an author by writing the month of July for a daily devotional! But the blog shut down, the devotional is out and done, and now I’m in my own little thicket. Surrounded by brush and thorns. I see others way up ahead of me in the distance – charging ahead strong and steady. I see a throng of newbies – full of potential, life, dreams, a whole lot more talent and calling then myself. Hi brush…you’re getting kind of thick, aren’t you. Ouch! Oh, I can’t pass yet? Fine.
Truth be told, I don’t want to get off. I don’t want to call for rescue to be brought back to base camp. I like it here. Every other mountain I’ve tried has left me empty – music, crafting, photography – this is the only mountain I’ve been on for this long! It’s been a good five years. I’ve seen a lot, learned a ton, and my heart is full. This is where I belong.
So, by all logic, there must be a reason to this dead end.
I have nothing left to try but to stop trying. It’s probably time I sit down, look up to the stars – because now those are starting to come out – and ask the Lord who, where, what, why, and when. Everyone on this mountain is here for a different reason, and I’ve never stopped to inquire why I am. I could come up with reasons, but they feel hollow. All I know is I love it here. And I guess I need the Lord to show me why. He’s created me this way, and if writing is something that brings me to life and helps me process the big and the small, I can only believe that there’s a way that it can be used to encourage others.
And specifically, others on this mountain that are also following after Christ.
I think I’ll be in this little thicket for a while until a path makes itself known to me, but at least now I’ll be putting my effort towards seeking Christ and his thoughts on the matter instead of trying to force myself onto someone else’s path. And the first lesson I see is that no one here is my competition. This is my own journey and it has it’s own purposes. But, I won’t know more than that until I spend some time in serious prayer.
Ok thicket, it’s you and me. I’ll pitch my tent, get some rest, and pray for the Lord to join us. It’s time for some clarity.