Over and over again…

Can I cozy up across from you and tell you what’s been going on lately? I know your time is precious, but if you have a few moments I would love to dive in and tell you how good the Lord is, and how faithful he is when we put him first and seek his council. His goodness has been shining so brightly in my life and I am simply blown away.

This past year has been on of the most difficult years of my adult life, and I did not walk it well. I became bitter, drained, and incredibly angry. I tried to do good and look to the Lord, but I didn’t have it in me to put on a face for him. So I stopped trying. I found escape through rum and cokes, wine, food, and TV. I got in fights with people I love dearly and harbored so much anger inside. I didn’t have a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband loved me through it, and he kept me from going off the deep end, but even the love of my life could only just barely keep me afloat.

But one morning the Lord met me as I listened to Over and Over Again by I am They. Please, let me share with you what I wrote in my journal about it. I still cannot read it without crying.

December 9, 2015
I was in the bathroom getting ready for work, and the full realization of His love for me hit me like a brick. I’d wandered off. Gotten lost. A dumb sheep just trying to make it. Not doing well at all. Hardly trying to find my way back. And He came to me. He searched and found me filthy. Stuck in my own choice. But he found me, freed me, and brought me home. It was of no effort on my part. He just came and got me, despite the year I’ve had and how I’ve tried but failed to do it well.

Let me tell you: The best part about my hard year wasn’t what I would have expected. It’s not that now I feel stronger, or I know I can get through anything or something along those lines…the best part is that I’ve realized how very sinful I am. How very ugly the root of me is.

  36 One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat.[a] 37 When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. 38 Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them.
39 When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!”
40 Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.”
“Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied.
41 Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver[b] to one and 50 pieces to the other. 42 But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?”
43 Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.”
“That’s right,” Jesus said. 44 Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.
47 “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 48 Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”
49 The men at the table said among themselves, “Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?”
50 And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
Luke 7:36-50 NLT

Yes. This is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me – seeing the depth of my sin, and in the process being rescued and delivered by the love and grace of God. I was broken, and he picked up the pieces and began a work of putting me back together.

It wasn’t until Christmas that my hope really began to return, and I started to remember the Lords goodness. Now, one piece at a time, he is making me into a brand new creation. I can feel it. The Lord is listening to my prayers and moving in and around me – waking me up and putting things in their place. My husband and I are in a very special time right now where things are changing, and all we know is that we are excited and ready to see where he’s taking us. He has proven himself faithful.

  “All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don’t know your story – I have no idea what thoughts are going through your mind as I tell you these things – but I hope this one thing comes through: The Lord is awesome. It is a blessing to be beaten down to a place where you come face to face with your sinfulness – for that is when we realize our desperate need, our incapacity to ever amount to anything good, and the incomprehensible love of God’s grace.

 

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