I’m beginning to learn on a deeper level what means to be committed in marriage. Not just as two people, but as a single person – me. Luke and I always say that divorce is not an option, but I didn’t realize until just recently that, although I’ve been saying it since the beginning, it’s honestly been a way for me to lock him in; and not as a declaration of my own commitment.
We say that we are committed together one thousand percent, but if I’m honest, I’ve had fleeting moments of doubt. What if an old flame comes along to sweep me off my feet and take me away from Luke – would I allow myself to be taken? What if an attractive GQ model type guy, or better yet, a country rancher, stepped into my life and was innocently flirty – would I harbor secret thoughts about him? And what about our fights? Off the top of my head I can think of at least four different arguments we’ve had where the thought of “are we going to make it?” has come to mind.
I’ve felt like a terrible person because of these honest questions. But I’ve heard stories of how amazing, God fearing people, who love each other deeply and would never do anything to hurt one another,…ended up cheating. There was redemption, and a road to healing, but it just makes me think, “Am I doomed to failure? Am I destined to ruin this marriage? I used to think I was invincible, but if it happened to them, then it could happen to me.”
As it turns out, Luke has had the same fears and questions. You would think learning this would take away any sort of trust I had in him – but it didn’t. Once I worked up the courage to voice them, and learned that he felt the same, I felt human. Like an individual. All of a sudden we weren’t bound together out of obligation, we were bound together out of love. Out of each of us knowing and deciding that this is the person we want to be with through every single up and down of life. This is the person that calls me up, has my back, loves me through my failure, celebrates when I succeed, listens to me, laughs at my jokes when no one else does (because they get it and it’s hysterical), goes on adventures with me, dreams with me…The list goes on. Yes, we could split up and find someone else, but neither of us like what that would look like. We’ve honestly found everything we need in a life partner in each other. We couldn’t stand the thought of living in the same state but not being married. Not being in love. Not going home with each other every night. This is it. We’re in it for the long haul.
Am I really that committed? Yes. I am. I have more confidence now not only in our marriage, but in myself. I’m an individual, and as an individual I’ve chosen to love Luke for the rest of my life. Not because of an obligation, but because I think he’s awesome. I’ve seen him at his best and at his worst, and I still think he’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met. No one could come close to how perfect he is for me. We’ve been together for almost eleven years, and he’s still the only person I want to be with 24/7 and on all special occasions. We are two that are one. Committed. Because we get to be.