Yesterday was one of those days where I realized how young I am and how little life experience I really have. It was humbling, to be sure.
A few weeks ago, Luke and I realized that, although we can pay the bills and get by on just his income, I am going to need to find a job if we desire at all to pay down our debt. I have not been handling this as well as I could have hoped. I got to a point where I have accepted what needs to be done, and I am even excited about it! But a couple days ago we were thrown another curve ball; I lost it.
So last night, while driving to meet up for coffee with a friend, I kept going over the last six months. Here is what I saw: two moves, the loss of dear friends, a new life, nothing familiar, everything taking time to develop, a failed job attempt, and now the stress of having to job search again with the fear of failure always whispering.
I pulled over into a Holiday parking lot and texted Luke. I told him how I can’t handle this. There has been too much change lately. Basically, I will live through this but it won’t be pretty. And ultimately, it won’t end well. I won’t be happy. His response was this,
I understand that you feel the weight of the world to get a job, and you think you have no time and no one on your side. Where is your faith? I don’t know how else to say it, but God has a plan and he will provide! But he probably won’t until you ask. You don’t have to man up and face it all alone, you have to man up and walk through the one door that’s wide open that for some reason you are completely avoiding. Work hard, trust God, and have faith. We’re going to be ok.
I hadn’t asked God to provide. Well, not with any trace of faith anyway. With all that God and I have been through together, why was I deciding now not to trust him?
A few hours later, as I said goodbye to my friend and drove back home, I accepted how young and inexperienced I still am. The incredible woman I had coffee with has had a life I cannot imagine surviving. And yet here she is, with a smile on her face, moving forward with full trust in the Lord.
A reminder is a beautiful thing. The whole evening ended up being a wonderful reminder that God is bigger than I am. He is over my situation. I would be a fool not to trust in his timing and his plans. I saw his love through my husband and a friend, and it encouraged me greatly.
This morning I am able to look past my worry to see all that God has done in six months. There are still loose ends, but I suppose there will always be loose ends. I am realizing that there will always be curve balls, twists, emergencies, ruined plans…and God. Remember, there will always be God.
It turns out that I am much less perfect then I previously viewed myself. Ironically, this is a blessed relief. It is through my weakness that God becomes my strength.